Lain Malka Vineyard, @lainiw

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"History"

This was a post I made on Facebook to clarify what exactly was and is going on in my life with my transitioning. It's okay to share if you think it might help someone you know!

I suppose it's good time to make a post about Things.

I've changed my name! To Lain. A female name, chosen because I am finally able to be who I am! Which is a lady. I doubt this is a surprise to many people who are still on my Facebook friend list; I am going to elaborate on my history anyway.

My feelings of frustration and anger at my own body began at a young age; the earliest I remember was during middle school. I could not discern why at the time but having a Male body was quite distressing. These feelings intensified further when I went to sleep. Nothing made sense to me. Why did I have the body I did, and not another one? Occasionally this turned into desperate pleading in my mind (never aloud). "If there is a God or Deity out there, please listen to me! Just change my body and I will be happy. Or kill me, or make me happy with what I have!" I was both angry that I felt the way I did, and that I felt my parents did not deserve a child like me. A child who did not know what to say or to ask for help, and was always so distant to everyone. I could see that my parents were trying their best, but I just was not happy. It was not fair to them, or anyone really. I am sorry.

My pleadings eventually turned to bitterness. I eventually came to terms to the fact that nobody was listening to me, nobody would magically make me into a girl. Or magically kill me, or make me happy. It was a monumental waste of effort, being angry like that. There was nobody there, and I had to decide what I wanted to do with my life. I gave great consideration to killing myself at this point, but again how unfair this would be to my Parents, Friends, and Kitty kept me from doing so. Unable to therefore kill myself, I resolved to stop caring, about everything. At least that way I could still help people; this is what I thought. Steeled by the cartoons and movies I was watching at the time (Including Cowboy Bebop and Fight Club. So edgy right? Lol), I created my own little code of behaviors that I would follow. (This is during middle and high school)

I am sure people who were friends with me during this time noticed that I would be so giving of everything, and so helpful for any problems they had, but I myself did not want anything ever. I did not want anything because I did not want to be alive, even with my silly code of behaviors. Most of all I wished people would not want to be my friend, and to stop caring about me. If people had done that, killing myself would have been so much more justifiable. Inexpliable to me, people however continued to being my friends and caring about me. I literally could not understand it but there was not really anything I could do; I could not kill myself because of how unfair it would be, and I compelled myself to help people for its own sake with my code of behaviors.

Each year of High School deepened my lack of emotion. By graduation time, I did not care. About anything. I graduated because I did. I planed to go to College because I did. There was not any actual decision making happening by me; I did things because I did them. And I wanted to die still, but could not. I remember thinking near the end of High School: it would have been lovely for me to die from some freak accident after graduating but before being burdened by College debt. Then people would have a nice opinion of me and I would be dead, a win-win situation. This did not happen.

College was largely uneventful, with my behavior remaining basically unchanged. I worked very hard and studied unreasonably long on schoolwork because it let me be alone. I hoped I could distance myself from everyone by cutting off communications, for example turning off Facebook, my phone, Steam, anything I could think of. I definitely neglected many of my friendships throughout my life. I am sorry.

I "graduated" college in ~ when I pushed a button on a webpage to get my degree. I had no idea what to do, except that I wanted to die still. I know my parents wanted so badly to see me graduate on stage... I am sorry. There is still time for that in our lives, possibly. I made some money on ~ and from work from ~ but that was it. I tried to find some jobs in ~ but I never really heard back from the few tech companies that I found. My money was never enough, especially considering that my income was $0 most of the time. My parents had to cover for everything I did. I am sorry.

To put things in contrast, I am starting a new job actually over here in ~ on the ~. It seems so crazy to me that everything that is happening in my life is happening; before this year, and the past few months really, I was 100% certain I would never be happy again. I would never be who I was on the inside. I would never be alive, really. That is what I thought. What happened?

I should clarify since I almost never post anything on Facebook... I am extremely happy now. I am who I am, and not an empty shell of a strange code of behaviors. I want to be alive, and do things. And am doing things now! It is all the fault of a certain person I met while playing Guild Wars 2, ~

Guild Wars 2 is a game where you play with many other people, together; it is a very social experience. Although I never wanted to talk to people in person, I found it easier to talk about my problems with GW2 as the medium. I found in ~ an extraordinarily supportive friend, a person who supports others in the same way I did. She convinced me that visiting her and her husband and staying for at least a little bit would be good for me.. and it totally was! Being so far away from my Room let me be... me, I guess. And I was finally happy. Actually happy.

I still cannot believe that any of this actually happened.. really! If I never played gw2, or met ~, or... any number of things. I would still be in my room probably, being extremely depressed. Maybe I would have finally killed myself. But those are thoughts that do not concern me now.

I dunno. I suppose that is all the important things! I do identify as Female now, so I prefer people use the appropriate pronouns and Lain instead of ~ when possible. But I also understand how hard it can be to switch something like that, so if you make a misstep it is O K. Don't worry about it!

One last thing I want to emphasize is that although I was not happy at all for most of my life, it is not the fault of anyone else but my own. If I had talked to people, or had the courage to be Me earlier, I am sure I would be happy now and would have much better relationships with everyone in my life. I know it is easy to blame yourself for things that are not at all your fault, so I want to lay it plain. Without my wonderful friends and parents, even when I was so depressed and so wanted to be done, I would not be here either. My parents were so kind to support me even when I wasn't making money and wasn't talking to them at all; and my friends thwarted every attempt at silence I gave them. So thank you everyone! I truly love all of you. And I know the future will be different, now. Thank you all. I am sorry for everything that happened on the path to get here... but it can be better now. Truly..

Lain